The Most Unhelpful Infertility Advice I’ve Received and Some Alternative Things To Say Instead

I’m feeling a little ranty today so if you’re not into “What Not to Say” type posts then you may want to skip this. We all have those sensitive areas in our life that others try to “help” with but usually it’s not helpful, it’s upsetting or annoying. For me, the sensitive topic in my life is my struggle with infertility and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I have gotten all kinds of comments and advice regarding this. Let me say before I get into this, I understand most people say what they do because they either don’t know what to say or they really are just trying to help. That’s why I always smile and I’m never rude about it. Hopefully, if you’re curious about what to say to somebody dealing with infertility this will be helpful.

This list is in no particular order.

  1. “You’re thinking about it too much.” Actually, no I’m not. I have a life and hobbies so it’s not the only thing on my mind. Not to mention I have a medical issue so the amount I think about it has no effect on it.
  2. “You just need to be less anxious.” Pretty much the same answer as number one.
  3. “Have you tried having sex in the missionary position, having sex more/less often or this other intrusive, unhelpful thing?” It amazes me the amount of people that think my sex life is their business because I’m having infertility issues. My answer to this is we’ve (my husband and I) got it covered and that’s all you need to know.
  4. “So and so had the same problem and never could have kids.” Thank you for that very encouraging comment *sarcasm*. That may be true. Maybe it won’t happen which is why adoption is a valid choice. Which brings me to my next one…
  5. “I’d wait as long as possible before adopting so that way you can have your own.” If I adopt that child would be as much mine as one I give birth to. End of discussion.
  6. “When are you going to give your parents grandbabies?” This is usually from some random person that doesn’t really know me or what I’m dealing with. This is hurtful without the person meaning it to be for obvious reasons.
  7. “I just look at my husband and get pregnant haha.” Good for you? How does that help me?

Here is a few more helpful things you can say instead.

  1. “I’m thinking about/praying for you.” Sweet and simple.
  2. “How is the progress going with your doctor?” I never mind explaining what we are doing or trying.
  3. Talk to me about your life and what’s going on with you. I am not just infertility just like someone is not just cancer, their disability, etc. I still want to talk about normal things, including your kids. Yes I may get jealous, especially if you’re pregnant, but I am happy for you.

I know this may come across as rude, but all these comments  are basically everything I have heard over the past year and  half. I can’t control what other people say and I can’t expect everyone to know what I’m going through; which is why I try to handle these comments with grace and answer them the best that I can. If you know someone dealing with infertility try to think before you ask or say something. Try to understand why they may not want to come to your baby shower or hear how you’re tired of dealing with your four kids. If you’ve made it to the end of this, thanks for sticking it out haha. Thank you for reading and have a great day!

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